The Funeral

I don't know what a person uses to describe a funeral. I can't say it was so nice, because it was painful. I started shaking uncontrollably and finally when I calmed down, they opened the coffin. Needless to say, I started crying all over again. I went to church this morning, and started crying while we were having prayer. I thought the preacher didn't want to pray for my guidance and strength because they didn't see the request. I am kind of an emotional wreck right now. Oh and tomorrow I go back to work. I will go back to teaching people how to cope with stress. Hmmm, I wonder how long will I feel like this. I woke up at four in the morning and started reaching out for dad. I wished just for a second that all those things about ghost applied to my situation. It took me months before I dreamt of my mother after she died. I wonder how long will it take for me to dream about dad. I can't wait months, I want to see him again now. I have no control over my dreams. What if we could control our dreams? Yesterday, for the first time I understood how people struggling with addictions felt. I wanted to drink, take meds, cut or do whatever it took for my mind not to focus on being sad. I wore my shoes that often hurt my feet, but they didn't hurt yesterday. Nothing could shield me from the pain.