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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dad's Body

I saw dad's body yesterday. It was bitter yet sweet. He looked at peace. He looked about ten years younger. We are having a viewing at the funeral home on Friday. I wanted to rub his head before I walked out, but I was scared. I didn't want to remember his skin being cold. How am I coping with this? I don't know. I have been keeping detail by detail in my blog. I find myself sleeping a little more. I try to focus on my homework, work, family, but thoughts of my dad keep breaking through. Yesterday we picked the casket, and flowers. I just nodded yes most of the time. I really didn't have the mind for it. I came back to my house to find clothing for the funeral.

The hardest thing for me is seeing his house and his truck. When we last talked to him, he was talking about taking the hospital bed and putting it in the back of the red truck. He wanted to leave the hospital. I told him he would be leaving this week. Anyway, I am finding it hard to be near the house right now. I know all the visitors mean well, but when they come around giving their condolences, I feel more pain. It's like I get to a point in the day that allows me to breathe, and then the sore opens once again.

I hated today. The sun was so bright and radiant, but he would not be there to see it. He would often get in his truck and just ride around before he got sick. Now the truck is a reminder that it will never be used by him. It is still parked near the front of the house. I guess he parked it closer because he was growing weaker. I still can't believe we were just talking about my new job and teaching Alexis how to drive in Jan. How could this happen so fast? I thought cancer took years to kill or months at least. The doctors first said 2 weeks to 6 months. My husband later told me they said 2 weeks to 6 weeks. I just wanted them to be wrong. I studied the symptoms and I knew he was near, but I just didn't think he was so near.  I guess it was more like two weeks for him. Are adults orphans? Can we be orphans? I feel like an orphan because I don't have my mom or dad. Who do I turn to when I need guidance? Am I too old for guidance?

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