Hard Night

This has been a hard week for me. I swear it seems like everything I see reminds me of dad. When I smell grass, see trackers, smell produce in the markets, I think about him. I still can't believe he is dead. I blogged my way through it, and it took some of the pain away. However, I still feel lost. I watched him die. I was so scared. I remember when he was at home, it was the weekend before he went into the hospital for the last time. I was frantically looking for a western. For some reason, I thought if I could find an old show featuring some of his favorite actors he would snap out of it. He did not have the western channel anymore, so I tried to put on other shows. He was too out of it.

He told me he wanted to grill out just once more. I promised him he was not going anywhere and that he would get that chance. I told him he would be here at Christmas, and he didn't even make it two more months. I know this is going to sound stupid, but I wish I could have found that western. I wish we would have been that family that beat the odds. I see all these people on TV promoting their cancer stories and I think, why wasn't that my dad?  We were told in January or somewhere around there that he was cancer free. Then he had this lump show up in his chest. It was a huge lump, about the size of your fist. We found out it was cancer.

I remember when we took him to the doctor he kept saying he did not want to have cancer. He also talked about his father passing away of cancer at his age. We told him once again, he would be fine. I guess we lied a whole lot. I wish I could tell him I am sorry and I wish we could have watched just one more western.

I will always love and miss you! Both of my parents are now back together in heaven.