I can't describe my feelings. I'm scared and I don't know if I want to know what comes next. I lost my mom 8 or 9 years ago. I try not to think about it. I'm scared of being an orphan. I'm 36, maybe I can't be an orphan. I just don't want to lose both parents. It was so hard to do the whole death thing with mom. I can't do that again. I begged God not to do that to me again. I know we all have to die, but it's hard to put yourself back together again after they go away. After my mom died I dream about her for months until one night I dreamed about her telling me to write again. She was like if you don't finish that book it will never be on Amazon. I hope I've redeemed myself in my father's eyes. I think I'v turned my life around. I'm pretty sure he knows I am a good mother and wife to my husband. I just wanted him to be proud me. Is it selfish of me to fear he might not think I'm a good daughter. I'm scared he might die thinking I'm a fuck up.I love my dad so much. I don't think I call as much as I should. I'll call more. My heart is ripping out.